La Maison du Teej

I know, I know - some might accuse me of flogging a dead horse with this topic, but I am quite prepared to be a lone voice in the wilderness calling for a collective deep breath when it comes to the current administration and the focusing of a critical eye on its behaviour.

There are those who believe that the measures being taken to mitigate the worst effects of whatever economic situation we're in are the right ones, and others who disagree. The nice thing about that argument is that eventually one group will be proved wrong, and the others will be able to do their share of gloating. I'd like to think, though, that no matter what our political beliefs we could coalesce behind the idea that beating the crap out of people is a bad thing to do, whether we do it ourselves or we coerce others to do it for us (they call that "aidin' and abettin' " in My Cousin Vinny).

Some of you, I have no doubt, would be happy to see Noam Chomsky run out of town on a rail, and there are times I would agree with you, despite being raised to believe that the Holy Trinity referred to Chomsky, Said, and E.P.Thomson. However, there I came across an interesting article by Chomsky that examines the US' attitudes to the idea of torture and demonstrates that the current administration appears to have no interest in changing the US position. That position is, in brief, "Well, we don't do it, and we can't be seen to condone it, but if you, our client states and vassals, want to do it, we have no problem in showing you how."

For those willing to wade through the piece I would commend to you a book co-authored by Chomsky and Hermann entitled "The Washington Connection & Third World Fascism: The Political Economy of Human Rights." It's heavy going, I can only manage 4-5 pages at a time, but worth the effort.

Some of you will be old enough to remember a gentleman named Rodney King - you know, the guy who "resisted arrest" and received a kicking from the LAPD some years ago.

Apparently Richard Rodriguez doesn't. Granted, he was a a child at the time so perhaps it didn't enter his consciousness. No matter - Mr. Rodriguez forgot that the LAPD has a track record of making sure that suspects regret trying to escape. Check out this video, specifically the bit 42 seconds in.

Memo to the LAPD: if you can hear a helicopter overhead while you're chasing down a perp, don't assume it's one of yours. Otherwise you could find yourself starring in the next edition of Cops Do The Dumbest Things.

...a Mrs. H. R. Clinton, formerly of Arkansas. Apparently she "deeply, deeply regrets" the fact that a US airstrike in Afghanistan killed dozens of women and children (the target was Taliban militia, but apparently the current US military, peopled as it is by the kinds of people who would previously have not been allowed anything more dangerous than a foam spork, has difficulty telling the difference between a kid with a pacifier and a man with a gun 1). To quote the former First Lady...

"I wish to express my personal regret and certainly the sympathy of our administration on the loss of civilian life in Afghanistan. Any loss of innocent life is particularly painful and I want to convey to people of both Afghanistan and Pakistan that we will work very hard with your governments and with your leaders to avoid the loss of innocent life and we deeply, deeply regret that loss."

Couple of things here:

1. As Secretary of State you don't have a personal stake - you are speaking as a mouthpiece of the government, and your personal views have no place here. Your "personal regret" butters no parsnips, as my granny would have set when I was still trying to climnb out of the basket and up the drapes. The fact that the administration "sympathises" but apparently doesn't regret the incident speaks volumes.

2. So you're going to "work very hard" to avoid the loss of innocent life? Bit fucking late now, don't you think? It's not as if this is the first time that a couple of trigger-happy goons have wiped out women and kids, is it? Perhaps you need to start working to avoid it before you put boots on the ground, hmm?

1Disclaimer: I know that someone somewhere will interpret this as an attack on the military. It isn't. The sad fact is that the majority of people in any army are professionals, people who joined the service for life, not to get money for college or because it beat sitting in the swamps drinking 40s all day. Sadly, however, the prolonged cluster-fucks that are the US military operations in Afghanistan and Iraq have resulted in the army hiring the kinds of people that you wouldn't trust to sit the right way on a crapper, and these people are giving the rest of them a bad name. The professional soldier has my deepest respect - he does a job I don't want to do for a government that he may not agree with. The short-timer who joins for the haircut and the tattoos can kiss my ass.

Scene: Chrysler Headquarters, Robert Nardelli's office.
[phone on desk rings]

Robert Nardelli: Hello, this is Bob
Barack Obama: Hi Bob, it's Baz - how are things?
RN: Not so good, Baz. We're having a bit of a problem restructuring our debt, you know? Those hedge-funds are being difficult.
BO: Sorry to hear that. You know, if you get it all done and dusted by midnight there's $6 billion of taxpayer cash in it for you?
RN: Great, but I don't think it will be done by then.
BO: Never mind - if it's not done by midnight then you can have $8 billion.
RN: Seriously?!
BO: Sure thing, Bob - after all, it's not our money, is it?
[both laugh]

So Chrysler has finally gone into Chapter 11. Now, those among you with decent memories will recall that one of the reasons that the Motown Three flew to Washington on their private jets last year to beg for my money was so that they didn't have to file for bankruptcy. Apparently no amount of money will prevent a company that produces shit from eventually succumbing to market forces. Now that they are in Chapter 11 they don't to pay any of the money back (Chapter 11 protects you from your creditors while you try to sort things out), and with no guarantee that they will ever emerge from it we might as well kiss our cash goodbye.

So, TJ - exactly how much of my money is Chrysler flushing down the crapper?
I'm very glad you asked. Let's look at the books:
$4,000,000,000 in January
$500,000,000 a little after that
$8,000,000,000 because they couldn't sort their shit out by midnight
$3,300,000,000 to help it work through Chapter 11

By my reckoning that's $15.8 billion - a pretty reasonable sum, I think you'll agree. Add to this the $4.9 billion that they're getting as a result of the bondholders forgiving the debt, and we come in at a little over $20 billion. As if that wasn't enough, if the company ever emerges from bankruptcy the government will lend it a further $4.7 billion - that's nice of it, isn't it?

And what do we get for our money? In a word, fuck all. The treasury (that's you and me, by extension) will take an 8% stake in the company. If we assume that this 8% represents the $15.8bn that we put in, that values Chrysler at almost $200 billion dollars. That's more than Microsoft's book value today, and Microsoft at least makes something that people have demonstrated a willingness to pay for. It's almost double the book value of Google, and Google makes something that people like using.

But look on the bright side: a union-run trust fund will take a 55% stake in the company (having ponied up precisely squat). That's right - the unions, having screwed the company and fucked it dry in every conceivable orifice, now own half of a company that you just ploughed $16 billion into. Sleep well, America.

You see, folks, under capitalism, when companies don't produce something that people want, then they go bankrupt. This is the way it goes - if you can't compete, you die. Evolution works the same way - if you're a small flightless bird in a world of carniverous mammals, then you might as well kiss your arse goodbye. Lots of companies go bankrupt every year - anyone remember pets.com? valueamerica.com? That company down the street from your grandparents that made and sold buggy-whips? Anyone shed more than a few tears for these guys? I guess the difference is that they weren't doing business in a country run by an administration that believes that the only way out of the current mess is to shovel your money out the door with both hands while not giving a tinker's dam where it goes or how it's used.

Anyone else wondering if this is change you can believe in?

Because I said so, that's why.

A friend says a 9-year-old boy might have been imitating a favorite video game character when he apparently built a homemade parachute and jumped to his death from his apartment building roof.

Elsewhere, people with more than 3 brain-cells to rub together said a 9-year old boy got everything he deserved and more when he took a grocery bag, tied it to his back, and jumped from 130'. We're not losing a cure for cancer here, people.

On the plus side, this is one kid that we're not going to have to bankroll 12 years of education for so he can drop out, get some chick pregnant, and spend his days watching Montel while continuing to sponge off hardworking folks who were smart enough not to jump off tall buildings while wearing a Trader Joe's shopping bag.

1 down, 3 million to go.

When you were a kid did your parents ever tell you things like, "If you run and fall over and break your leg, don't come skipping to me"?

Guess we can update that to "If you take food that doesn't belong to you and choke to death on it, don't come whining."

So keen is the government to spend your money that they seem to be shovelling it out with both hands before taking into account in whose direction they're shovelling it. By now you cannot fail to have become aware of the debacle surrounding the bailout of AIG, which seems to centre around the company's paying of bonuses to its employees.

Isn't it a shame that no-one in the Obama administration thought to look at AIG's filings to the SEC? For those not familiar with the process, every publicly-traded company is required to file:

• whenever there is a material change within the company that could reasonably be expected to impact shareholders (like the departure of senior management, or the appointment of a new factory mouser)
• detailed statements of results
• details of contractual salaries and bonuses paid to staff and management

Within these filings are to be found detailed break-outs of who gets paid what - salaries, perks, bonuses, productiy-related incentives, etc. The shareholders vote on these whenever they come up at the annual meetings, and can reject them if they so choose. Once they have been approved, however, only a resolution by the shareholders can change it. This last bit is key - only the shareholders (i.e. the people who own the company) can change the structure of salaries and bonuses. No-one else - not the government, not the SEC, not the Great Green Arkleseizure - no-one. If it were to be changed without shareholder approval, the company is looking at a massive lawsuit (and when the Fidelitys and the Wellingtons of the world sue you, they don't fuck about), which dents investor confidence (which is something that we should really be looking to avoid). For the government to force it down the throats of shareholders causes concern among investors that the government is adopting a "do as we say, not as we do" approach (which of course it does on a regular basis: you have to pay your taxes, we don't - or at least Tim Geithner doesn't), which causes investors to think about putting their money elsewhere (like outside the US - again, not a good thing).

Now, when the government starts handing out your money you'd like to hope that they were aware of the content of these filings - when someone comes along asking for money you'd hope that someone would go and take a look at the details and say "Ah - the CEO of AIG is contractually guaranteed to receive $615k in annual salary, a 150% bonus, and the use of a car and driver. This means that AIG cannot receive any money until the shareholders vote to change this to bring it in line with the conditions that we have imposed on which companies get taxpayer money. Sorry, guys, but you can't have squat until you comply. Go away and come back when you do."

Of course, this is hopelessly optimistic - the government doesn't give two short ones about how it spends your money (of course it doesn't - it is, after all, comprised of lying sacks of shit). It is, sadly, another case of policy being shoved through without due care and attention, and without thought for what it actually means.

Three rare Siberian tiger babies - also known as Amur tigers - cuddle at a zoo in Leipzig, Germany. The triplets were born to their mother Bella on 2 March.

Amur Tigers

...before I am accused of disapproving of the US president's actions because I am:

a. Republican

b. racist

or

c. any other thing that begins R - rabid, maybe

the BBC website posted 5 things that the president has done in his first 50 days in office: